Why

I try to avoid that word as much as possible. I try to keep my mind in check, as if I'm a horse in a parade. You put blinders on a horse when you don't want them to see the crowds of people on the side of the street, it keeps them calm. Why can't I keep the blinders on my mind? It keeps me calm if I can just focus on the road ahead, and not the distractions on the side of the street. The word why embraces so many thoughts and questions. For example: why does my son have to go through this? Why can't my son talk to me? Why is my son screaming? Why does he not like his little sister? The best why phrase comes to me, and I hate it. This is the why I hate the most. This is the reason I put blinders on when it comes to my mind. You ready for this?? Here it goes: why do we have to go through this? So, so selfish... Why can't I have one of those kids who functions normally? Why can't my dreams for my son come to reality? Conversations. Normal life. Why does it have to be so damn hard? Why. Why am I so selfish? What do my dreams for my son do for the current situation? Nothing. I can sit here when it's too late at night and dream about my son being "normal" all I want to, and it doesn't change anything. Blinders back on... blinders back on! Why can't I get these stupid blinders back on so these stupid "why" thoughts don't distract me from the main road ahead? Then come the "what" thoughts. What would it be like to have a child develop normally? What would it be like to not worry about this thing taking over our lives? I'm on the outside looking in to the house of normalcy. I don't like you, normalcy. You wave things about my face that I covet. It's not right, these thoughts in my head. It must be a normal process that parents who have a child diagnosed with autism go through. All these stupid thoughts that get in our heads that take attention away from the main task at hand. It's just something I will have to learn to deal with. Either that, or I can try to put those blinders on again. Either way, these thoughts are a distraction I don't need, and my son doesn't need them either. It's 2am, I can't sleep. I must sleep though, my son will be up in the morning. He kicks his door to wake me up. He doesn't open his door, but he opens all the other doors in the house with ease. I don't get it. But, if he enjoys kicking his cheap bedroom door, it doesn't bother me any, it's one more way he communicates. I need to sleep, speech therapy tomorrow.