The daily struggle that no one sees

I sort of forgot, or either stopped caring, about making posts. I'm not sure if anyone would actually read this. Oh well, this is more for myself than anyone else. I remember, back in the day, when I would keep a written diary. How times have changed. Now I just type stuff on a screen and it goes out on the internet. Maybe in doing this, I might actually reach another lonely soul out there that is feeling what I am feeling. Having the knowledge that you are not alone helps at times. Adrian has begun the path to language. He tries so hard to talk. A few words here and there. He called my husband daddy not too long ago. I've never seen my husband so happy. Just in the past month he has started to actually eat food. Real food. Solid food. The progress is amazing. Today for lunch, he ate 3 slices of rice bread, some turkey, a whole container of soy yogurt, and a cup of chopped pears. I'm so proud of my boy. But through all the progress, there are still struggles. He still needs diapers. I try to give both of my children naps, but it is usually just quiet time. I put them in their darkened room and shut the door. It is the only time I can actually eat lunch. I'm too focused on getting my son to eat solid food and applying therapy methods to actually eat for myself at that time. Fifteen minutes into quiet time and he is screaming at the top of his lungs. He pooped, took his diaper off, and squished it into the carpet, smeared it all over himself and the surrounding area. There was poop everywhere. My son was having his uncontrollable and sometimes violent emotional outburst. It lasted through his shower, through the cleaning of the mess. I was so angry. I didn't know what to do. I cried. I got frustrated. I get so tired of this. The screaming. He gets so mad sometimes, that he grabs me with such force that he leaves bruises and breaks my skin. No one outside of my house has seen this. No one else knows the extent of what happens in my house most days. He is generally happy, but when he gets upset and mad, he is different. Things just kept falling apart. I had to put him back in his room, because I was afraid I was going to lose it. After about 15 minutes, I let him back out. He was ok at this point. My daughter then starts to fight him over toys. I put her in time out. When I allow her to come out, she promptly goes over to her brother and gets down on his level on the floor. I didn't tell her to apologize to him. She did it on her own. She kept telling him over and over that she was sorry. She even patted him on the shoulder, trying to get him to acknowledge her. He never did. He kept playing with his toy. It made me cry once more. She gave up and went off to play with another toy. The daily struggle that no one sees. Sometimes I want to shut down. I want to claim that I'm beat down, that I can't do this anymore. But I have to do this. Isolated, while my husband works hard for 11 hours a day, sometimes more. We do what we have to do. Bills need to be paid. The two closest friends I have ever had are 1,500 miles away. I have no girls night out. My husband is my best friend. So I have to deal with it, no excuses. I can't be a wimp. Having a child with autism means you need to be stronger. It's not a life for the faint of heart or the weak minded. So here I am, dealing with it like a big girl. I'm stronger than this. This day has not beaten me down.