A little Lost

I've had these fears for a while now. Some are reasonable, and some are completely irrational. When my daughter was just learning how to roll around, I had the fear that if I turned around for a minute she'd fall off the bed. Reasonable fear. My completely irrational fear was that if she fell off the bed she'd hit her head, and she would develop autism. Stupid, I know. There are all these things I keep looking for in my daughter. I want to catch it earlier this time. As first time parents, you don't think that your child not responding to his name is going to spell autism later. You just think he's really into his toys. You just think he has selective hearing like most other kids have. After a while the evidence starts piling up, and once you are over your denial of it, you seek out help. I feel like I had failed my son, that I should have him diagnosed sooner than April of 2010. It's almost as if my daughter is my second chance at catching something like this. It has become this thing in my life that has a grip on me. So I am watching for every little thing my daughter does, but not enjoying the little accomplishments she makes. She started walking at 10 months, but I do not remember feeling that same joy that I felt when my son started walking at 13 months. It was just an "oh great, she's walking now!" kind of feeling. She is seeking out eye contact with me. If I'm down on the floor, she will crouch down to look me in the eyes. Instead of feeling joy that she's saying "hi momma" in her own way, I feel a sense of relief that she's actually seeking out my attention. She babbles away, but doesn't talk. I hate that feeling. I've never heard my son talk, because he cannot. I fear I will never hear my daughter talk as well. There are so many other things I could be doing with my day instead of fearing the what ifs. The worries and fears that other moms talk about with their children, don't always apply to me. There is a constant sadness I feel within me. I try not to think about it. My son has a little boy's story Bible. I bought this when he was an infant. It is supposed to be for fathers and sons to read together. I thought this would be a great activity for them both. Now, every time I see this story Bible, I feel that sadness in me. The entire concept of any religion may just be over his head. How am I supposed to teach God's love to my son if he can't even understand love between two people? And here again, I am lost. I cannot relate to other parents. I cannot relate to that parenting book I received a couple of Christmases ago. I cannot relate to the parenting series at church because you cannot apply these parenting tactics to autism. We take my son into the child care room at church, and he gets an iron grip on his dad. All the other children are running around, playing with each other, singing songs about how Jesus loves them. So how am I supposed to parent my son? I have no idea. How am I supposed to raise my son with autism and my daughter if she is typical? How do I keep her from resenting him? For the statistics of how many children are diagnosed with autism, I'm finding it really hard to find other moms out there. Instead, I find moms who have pure joy when their sons run up to them and give them a big hug and kiss and say "I love you mommy." It hurts. I tend to stay away from these situations. The struggle continues.